Of Money, Friends and Health

With the paltry sum of 20 scores less a buck finding its way into my pocket each month, money has evolved to become a strange, new priority for me. Why strange? In my few years of life, money has never really been my limiting factor and it seldom taken centrestage like this. Not that I’m rich or anything… but I’ve always found more importance in other more quintessential aspects in my existence.

There are times when friends jio me out and the costs seem to be so prohibitive that I’d rather rot like blue cheese at home than inject my life with a much necessary dosage of fun, laughter and nonsensical crap (in a good way, of course). Has my need to protect myself and future dependents from the inflation beast and to feel a tad bit more secure overwhelmed the once-unconditional and all-encompassing love that I had for my friends?

Ploughing through work and night studies, even in the midst of a debilitating flu battle… health and fitness have once again dwindled to a mere word in the dictionary. Nothing else need be said.

Humans are said to have a particularly peculiar characteristics. They spend an unfortunately huge proportion of their lives chasing after physical securities like money, an established career and the tons of man-made creature comforts out there. When all this is done, they realise the sheer emptiness in their life and start chasing after things and people that truly matter. But then, too much of life has slipped by them.

I have become human.

 

Regrets

How is it that Almond can live life without regrets?

Or that Evan lives with such a happy-go-lucky attitude?

Nope. A’s didn’t go well. Not one bit! I attribute it fully to my stubborn lack of revision and hard work. The fruition of my laziness and complacency.

I guess you’re happy now, Jem… You have singlehandedly ruined your own life. Ambitions? Bah! And I’m not even strong enough to sweep floors or wash toilets… Fantastic.

Now’s a good time for a miracle… But wait, there’s not much salvation for those who refuse to work for what they want. Peace to all mankind… Yeah right.

revival

It’s time to set this blog anew!

statement on freedom

i did it!

price tag

dear reader… wad’s ur price tag?

increasingly beginning to think that i’ve zero worth.

i know that i look horrid… like im a couple of mths pregnant. or that im short… tt im attractive compared to a heap of rubbish, as lovingly affirmed by my two brothers. heck. i even think this way.

so i tot… hey i might haf e intelligence… after all, im in a jc after all… err.  not anymore. bomb results for commons. feeling unmotivated for studies..

so… perhaps character then… or strength in personality?

NO again?! Cannot even control missing idea… he’s a great friend, but there’s no reason to feel so devastated. or why is it that i feel so defeated even though i know that i should be pulling myself out from the quagmire. or perhaps… that im not even as spiritually strong again? haiz.

no hardware. no software. no heartware… im sick of no.

sick.

alignment

seems like i’m my boss.

no one’s been able to talk me out of being a drag on myself. no one can really make me do what i dun wish to do.

i see that my mind has evolved to be such an obedient creature. planting negative tots grows well. while positive tots are a lil harder, my mind still is fertile ground for my imposition of stuff.

haf been blessed with very strong mental and heart power.

leads to totally emo-ness and sensitivity to others. while maintaining a very rational, logical yet strong-willed mind… joy. wad a clash…

needa reign myself in…

ps. still missing idea. but he ain’t coming online… or replying to email. oh wellz.

flame dies

very burnt out.

maybe rj wasn’t the best choice.

lack of proper social grounding. lack of the network of support im used to.

way too much of politics. way too much of competitiveness. way too much of being an island.

i can never be someone who stands alone. unless you anger me… but even so, i wun feel at ease.

bomb bad in commons. tons of extracurricular stuff i wish to pursue.

motivation’s an all time zero. enthusiasm isn’t much better.

still missing idea. fren’s from sec sch busy. fren’s from jc r… ok, they’re frens from jc. read beyond the lines!

sick.

can i haf a break from life?

idea matsuzaki

over the past week, it’s been bitter sweet.

idea came over on sunday, and has spent 24/4.5 with me.

described as my neko, as well as a saru. he has just been such a unique, kakkoi guy to hang out with.

altho we had a rather large language barrier, we still had lotsa fun communicating.

most of 3q liked him.

our characters were very complementary. both very funloving, candid with one another and dramatic in a frenly way… (read: nt drama queen)

amidst all the nonverbal comm, we relli grew to be special tomodachi…

has been like my second shadow for this period of time. feel like a part of me is missing. totemo kanashi — very sad.

haven’t experienced missing someone so badly for a long time. does idea even feel this way?

this episode of emptiness has left me lost for the past couple of days. spoke to several frens. prayed hard. but we just shared such a special frenship.

is there some way to fill the gap? is there some way to have this moment forever? would the friendship last once he gets back to japan?

perhaps i shlf haf faith in idea… would just have to try my best to keep in touch… under the guidance and protection of Him…

time heals all wounds… when would this one be healed?

genki-de, idea-kun. jikan ni tanoshikatta-ne!

patience

evan said: jem ur very hot… as in explosive. totally always wanted to get things done. when things cld be done a lil later, u want things nw.

my dad asks for the xmas tree to be taken down. i pull away at all the christmas decorations, ripping those balls from the greens.

my mum is unhappy with the seating arrangement. i get so fed up that i pull the table away in a hurry… and my dad goes PATIENCE YOUNG MAN!!

why is it that this word and quality eludes me so much. have i really gotten so accustomed to the microwave tradition of our society where everything has to be done at lightning speed. i rem trying to get home while i was in sa… planning every move, how to get out and the fastest pace to walk without tiring out…

in my undying search for efficiency and productivity, i’ve become rather short-tempered n as tnt describes, my fuse is relli short… it doesn’t take me much to be annoyed… currently lacking in whatever it takes to stew the situation and bring out the true flavour of each situation. altho, as balp as kindly noted, im much better at keeping it in nowadays… prob due to much more mellowed, subdued character… or due to the restrictions i’ve placed on myself ever since i stepped into long pants in sec 3?

whatever it is. patience must be one the top few things i’ve to work on… i dun wan my close frens telling me tt i’ve got such a problem anymore.

just e other day, we were meeting up for the new year… and i wanted eahy to get some drinks… and he made sure tt i gave him the exact drink to buy… and he was like… give me the brand and all, otherwise later i will whatever-whatever him again.

i rem tt i was much of a spitfire, relli cutting with my remarks… mostly in a fun way… this must haf transferred to my current impatience with everything around me?

any ideas for improving my patience? i’ve tried praying (in tongues)while waiting, or visualising myself somewhere (part of nlp) or just thinking about a maths/ bio problem… it helps in getting me distracted, but the impatience soon kicks in?

darn. i wonder how i had all the patience to actually finishing this bullload of crap no one wld read.

–|–

more than an organ

What does a Malay, underprivileged boy and a group of female hostel students coming from Sabah to dance and raise funds have in common?

I met this malay boy at my mum’s corporate function where they were having the graduation ceremony for the children that have underwent the Embrace program. ( A reading program that assists the disadvantaged children from Beyond Social Services in picking up reading) This boy did an item n i saw him dance…

he went unrestrained. moving every limb wildly and frantically. moved his entire body with style and bang. mindblowing. had a broad smile painted over his face, one that would be sweeter than manuka honey. could see visible droplets of sweat on him.

am very sure he placed the whole of himself on the stage, making absolutely sure that he devoted his entire body, intellect, mental presence to whatever he was doing then. when he received his grad cert, i was just so moved to tears. cldn’t explain y i felt tt way…

saw the group of sabah dancers at an advent carolling event at my church. these girls live over a 4 hours walking distance away from their schools. thus they’ve to live at hostels to maximise their education + time. their first trip overseas was to raise funds to build another hostel for the other inner villages of sabah.

the dancers were clad in shiny java dresses, while they danced and gave all they got. granted it’s not an esplanade performance. however they sang with gusto and more imptly, with sincerity. u cld tell from their voices that they had indeed practised very hard n gave 100% of their spirits. totally din feel like they were trying to raise funds, felt like that their sole desire was to dance for us.

again, their songs, esp at the chorus and their dances, and their smiles (nope not seduced) and their presence and their spirits led me to my tears. why again? when moments ago, i was so reluctant to attend that concert. intially tot i was some soppy snag… but still, y was i so moved?

so wad did these dancers and the malay boy haf in common?

heart.

they both performed with their heart. they gave all of themselves. when it came down to the crunch, they ensured their entire being was there with them, fully committed to their action. they allowed their inner voices to shine thru and seriously puts the nitrogen in enthusiasm!!

some questions:

how is it tt humans r able to tell weda other ppl are using their hearts to guide their actions?

>> i was fully capable of seeing/ hearing the sincerity of this various groups of ppl.

<<intuition perhaps? some innate ability?

how is tt when we see others treating us with their hearts, we’re so moved?

>> tears just rolled out when i saw them.

<< perhaps, most of the world now moves with such deception and hypocrisy that when we see someone that stays true to their core self and their hearts, we’re moved beyond words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

there r a few lessons for me to take home here.

sebastian from power 98 commented that i sounded very insincere and din place my heart out. am i relli tt hypocritical a person? i doubt so right?

anyway, i feel that doing things from my heart would relli benefit me. i’d haf more than passion to do the things tt i relli wanna do.

also, i believe tt wld allow me to me truer to myself and live a more fulfilling life, as well as a more sincere life. a nice bonus is tt i also haf frens tt see this light shining thru and perhaps we can start being guided by our hearts. and be true to one another. n this is just a bonus. if they dun, i’d still be living a full life!

more than an organ. a heart. a wonderful teacher. a bright beacon. the best compass u can find. to the best world we can haf.